Dear Sylvia Read online

  I can do it fine with Leonard and I can do it fine with Sadie so next time I’ll just pretend you are Leonard and I’ll know it backwards and frontwards and sideways and upside down. And then you won’t have to look at me like you wish I would fall off the fence into the bull’s field in a red shirt.

  From,

  Owen

  PSST! Mom has found me a Skye tartan kilt. I hope that is all right with Mrs. MaCtargus and she won’t have to make fun of my clothes any more. Sometimes I wish you didn’t tell her I don’t know anything about Scottish dancing.

  Deer Sylvia,

  I miss writing to you so I am writing again even though you are going to marry the new boy Danny Bainman just because he dances like he came from Scotland which he did and now he just lives two streets over and is in your pool swimming every day.

  When you are dancing with Danny Bainman and everyone is clapping and tapping their feet and the bagpipe record can’t blow fast enough and you are twerling twurling circling like a bunch of starlings Danny Bainman isn’t even in the room.

  Except for how you look at him.

  Your friend,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  Last night Fillus was sick with a raging fever and I had to walk her up and down up and down. No one else could do it. When Uncle Lorne took her he carried her like a car battery he might drop. Then Ant Lorraine grabbed her like a bag of groceries in a brown paper bag that yowelled and shreaked shrieked so loud that Eleanor said — all babies should be sent to reform school!

  And Sadie said — give her to Owen!

  So Eleanor almost threw Fillus into my arms like Andy sometimes throws the football too hard just to show you.

  But I caught her all right. Her skin felt like the burner had been left on inside.

  She yowelled and yowelled. We did the Paw Debask. Forwards and back. I hummed some bagpipes and so did Sadie and I travel stepped and kept dancing her.

  She kept yowelling and shrieking but like a train going by which doesn’t last.

  Sadie said — she likes your shoulder and the way you giggle her. Fillus started to fall into exhostshun exhaustion then and I tried to hand her over to Sadie to show her how to giggle a baby but she cried again so I had to do it all over.

  Maybe Fillus will be a great Scottish dancer because of these lessons.

  Your friend,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  I am sorry I cannot go Scottish dancing this week.

  I have got a fever now from Fillus who is getting better but I am roasting and maybe will die.

  I am having ginger ale which if I am not careful comes out my nose when I am lying down. So I can’t write much.

  Love,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  I think probably now you are swimming with Danny Bainman because it is after Scottish dancing. I think he is watching you do your dives and then you are watching him when he shakes his arms as if he is a mussel man and then probably you are going to have dinner with him and he is going to say to your mother — arty chokes artichokes are my favorites!

  And then he will eat them.

  In case you are interested Andy has read some more of the Invisible Enshurince Man. The Invisible Enshurince Man can pick up the phone now but can only call the restaurant where Rebecca is the waitress. I don’t know why the phone won’t work any other way or what happened to the elephant. He calls her and orders more food even though he isn’t hungry. But now at least Rebecca can see him better.

  I am very weak now and probably will be dead by next Tuesday. So I won’t bother Mrs. MctArgus any more.

  Owen

  PSST! Danny Bainman cross-gripped once in class when he should have linked arms. Even I could see that.

  Deer Sylvia,

  I’m sorry I wasn’t awake for your visit. A long time ago when I broke my finger and went to the hospital in Elgin you came too and I was sleeping. Do you remember? You probably think all I do when I am gravelly ill is sleep.

  Aktewly Actually I had a dream. You and I walked up to the haunted house. It wasn’t day but it wasn’t night either. It was under water! And we swam like pike right through the front window. The red couch from the haunted house was floating in the living room and the Bog Man was trying to make dinner.

  I said — where is your wife, Mister Bog Man?

  He was trying to light the stove. The matches went out because of the water.

  He said — I’ll be with you in a moment.

  It was almost a scary dream.

  You said you didn’t like Bog food and I said I thought it would be all right. So we sat on the red couch. And the Bog Man’s wife came by with a tray of cheese biskits biscuits.

  Which I thought would be wet.

  I’m sorry I have forgotten the Paw Debask and everything else. I have a hard time even standing up to go to the bathroom.

  I wish I was awake though when you came.

  Love,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  Last night I was asleep when I woke up because someone was playing the bagpipes record right under the window. And I thought it was you. I even got up to see in case you were dancing again but all I could see was Uncle Lorne.

  PLAYING THE BAGPIPES!

  He was standing in the driveway with the bag all puffed up blowing like a hard storm and the different tentacles werring whirring and horning and Sylvester yowelling and Dad clapping his hands and stomping on the gravel and Mom holding her ears and Leonard doing the Paw Debask forwards and backwards and the entire house rattling like thunder coming on.

  I didn’t know he played bagpipes. I whistled out my loon call which he taught me but nobody could hear me up in the window looking down at all the commoshun commotion.

  And the breeze felt cool on my cheek for the first time since I started to broil.

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  I had a dream about the Invisible Enshurince Man.

  He was driving the alien saucer through the meteorite shower to save the H-2-0 and Rebecca. But the aliens had a big magnifying glass like you might use to set fire to twigs. Only they were setting fire to their own saucer.

  And you were Rebecca.

  And then we were all in a cabin in the woods. I was looking for the little case where the aliens kept the H-2-0 they stole. You had your sword when the aliens came in. They were all tin and had mean helmets. And there wasn’t anything you could do they were so big.

  Everything started to melt in the heat. So I had to open the door and let the water in and drown them.

  Because I knew you could swim and you’d be all right.

  Owen

  PSST! I asked Uncle Lorne if he knew Scottish dancing and he said bagpipers never have to dance. So then he said he would teach me the bagpipes when I’m better.

  It looks pretty easy.

  Deer Sylvia,

  I can’t sleep. I am down in the basement now because I slept so hard for many days and now I don’t think I will ever get tired again.

  The wind is so hard tonight the house is shouting like Fillus. I haven’t seen her since I got sick but everybody says she is calmed down after her fever and so maybe she doesn’t need me after all. And maybe when I am all better I won’t need to write these letters or worry about stupid Danny Bainman and his fancy feet and how all the girls jiggle around him even you.

  And now I have a confesshun confession.

  I wrote you a Valentines’ card one day which you remember because I rooined ruined your heart box in front of everyone.

  That’s not my confession. When I went to the principal’s office I had Michael Baylor’s card to you. He said I LOEV YOU.

  I ripped it up.

  That’s my confession.

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia, />
  Last night the wind blew and blew. I think you must have even heard it in Elgin. We went out this morning and branches were down all around the yard. All the apples had fallen off the apple tree and Sylvester had to sniff around miserable until he found his rock again underneath them. And part of the fence kneeled over and there were branches on the road from a lot of different trees.

  They even had the storm on the news.

  But our big oak tree didn’t lose a leaf. Andy said it has stood on that spot for over a thousand years since before the invention of TV.

  I am sorry that I was sleeping again when you called. But it is all right about the dancing. I am not any good at it anyway and I know there’s a big meat and I just throw everybody off. Anyway you have Danny Bainman now and he’s a boy. So it’s OK that I won’t go any more.

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  Today is Tuesday and so I am not going dancing even though I am up and running around. I will just stay in the basement and won’t worry about the dancing.

  Your friend,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  I don’t know if you went swimming again with Danny Bainman after dancing today but I hope you didn’t. Because in case you didn’t notice there was lightening lightning outside. And if you go swimming in the lightning you could be toast.

  I thought maybe I should call you to tell you in case you didn’t know that and that’s why I called. That was me who rang and rang and I’m sorry I hung up. I don’t know why I did. I think I was worried about the lightning and so I forgot what I was going to say.

  And I didn’t think your mother would answer.

  I thought maybe it would be you and if it was you then you wouldn’t be in swimming so I wouldn’t have to say anything.

  That’s why I hung up. Even though it was your mother.

  After that it was dark as night here even though it was only afternoon and Andy told us to go to the window to watch the oak tree get hit by lightning. It’s the oldest tree around here and Andy said the lightning would try to hit it more than anything because it’s so tall. We watched and we watched. I could feel the lightning before it was going to strike just by a little jingle on the back of my arms.

  First it would be black outside and the tree was just a big hand in the shadows and then when the lightning hit somewhere far away the tree grabbed all the light and thunder and we screamed and then we laughed and came back to the window and watched again.

  One bolt hit so close all our lights went out BOOM! Leonard shrieked in my ear so I couldn’t hear anything again for about a minute.

  Dad even stopped clackCLACKING then and came out of his office and called up the stairs — is everyone all right? And I looked out the window as hard as I could to see if the oak tree was hit by the lightning. But it was still a big black hand.

  Dad said the lights would come on again soon. But after he went away Andy said Ben Franklin flew a kite in a lightning storm and invented the electric cord and maybe we could invent it too. There was an old kite in the closet not too broken. Andy said if we flew it out the window then maybe the lightning would turn the lights back on in the house.

  And Leonard said — maybe the lightning would just kill everyone who was holding the string!

  And Andy said — it didn’t kill Ben Franklin.

  And Leonard said — but it sure made him an old baldy!

  And Andy said — it will be perfectly safe if we tie the string to the lamp cord and so no one will be holding it.

  And he got up to find the kite in the closet in the dark. You weren’t here last year when we nearly burnt the house down playing with the crystal radio and it wasn’t even a lightning storm.

  Leonard said — don’t burn the house down!

  But Andy said — I’ve got it!

  Leonard said — I’m telling Dad!

  Then I got the jingle on the back of my arms and I said — Andy put the kite down!

  Andy said — I’m not even flying it yet!

  Then he brought the kite and the string over to the window.

  My arms were going jingle, jingle!

  So I grabbed the kite and I threw it out the window with the string and I just let go when the lightning hit and the tree was a HUGE hand and we all screamed like cowboys falling off a cliff on our horses into the river.

  And the lights came back on!

  Love,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  Dad has finished The Invisible Enshurince Man!

  He brought a great big pile of pages out of his office and stacked them on the dining room table and Leonard and Andy and me took turns lifting them.

  Its 487 pages! Even more than he said he would write. That’s how good it is.

  Dad said he could breathe now and he even shaved his face and put on a clean shirt and we went out to Yung Fats Chinese food restaurant in Bradford. Mom made us wear our gray pants and white shirts and bow ties and my blazer was so scratchy I thought there were worms in it.

  Dad kept smiling at everything.

  A big gold and red wood dragon curled all around the ceiling with pop-out eyes Leonard couldn’t stop looking at.

  Mom was worried about how much it was all going to cost. She said don’t get the cow dung chicken it’s too expensive.

  But Dad said he was finished his book and we should all have the cow dung chicken. He said if we didn’t finish then we could bring it home with us and have it again for dinner tomorrow.

  Leonard kept looking at the dragon.

  And mom said the 1 ton soup was good enough and Dad said we had to have rolled eggs. He said they rolled them very well at this restaurant.

  And Mom said did you eat here before?

  And then the waitress came up. She hooked her hair behind her ear and took out her pad and pencil and said what would we like?

  Then she saw Dad and she said — O hi.

  And Mom looked at Dad.

  And the waitress looked at all of us.

  Dad said he wanted the 1 ton soup and rolled eggs and a big plate of cow dung chicken enough even for the dog.

  Mom didn’t laugh.

  And Andy elbowed me in the arm and said — it’s Rebecca!

  Only her name tag said Sara.

  The waitress I mean.

  Then she went away and walked through the doors that open either way if you are coming or going. There was nobody else in the restaurant just us and then nobody said anything at all. It was like we were all holding our breath in a contest and all you could do was suck in not out.

  Mom was looking at Dad.

  Dad kept tapping his fingers like he wished he was back in his office typing.

  Dad said he knew exactly which publisher to send his book to.

  And Mom was still looking at him.

  Mom said — Horace you’ve been here before!

  And Dad said — it’s fiction!

  Mom said — she knows you!

  And Dad said — I made it all up!

  Then Sara the waitress came back with the 1 ton soup and the rolled eggs. She had it all on a big tray and her arms shook when she bent right over Dad to put the soup on the table. About 1/2 a ton of the soup went on the floor instead! So Dad got up and started to clean up the soup and Mom said — Horace!

  And Dad stopped.

  She’s the waitress! — Mom said.

  And Sara said — I’m so sorry.

  It’s her fault! — Mom said.

  So Dad sat down. He looked like he fell asleep under the alien death ray.

  Sara went away to get the other 1/2 ton.

  Leonard had a hard time eating the rolled egg. Andy told him to dip it in the sauce but Leonard said the sauce looked like bird poop in a puddle. And he couldn’t see any egg.

  Dad said — just e
at and be quiet.

  Mom stared and stared at her soup.

  Then Sara came in with the cow dung chicken. It crackled and hissed on the plate like it was almost still alive and it was too hot to eat so we had to let it cool. Leonard said it didn’t look like cow dung at all and Mom said please shut up.

  She looked like she had 1 of her headaches. Sometimes in the morning her face looks like it has been folded wrong like a paper airplane that won’t fly straight so you flatten it out and try again but it never works right.

  Love,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  Dad sent off his book! It took a box and he had to get the money from Mom who is still too steamed to talk much past here’s the stamps.

  It is almost the end of the summer. Dad says he can taste it in the air. He decided it was time to clean out the garage. Now that his book is over he has a lot of projects to do. We almost got away down to the river but then Dad saw us so we had to help him. Mostly we took the old stuff like the old dead baby buggy and we brought it all out and put it on the ground and then we brought it back in again and put it close to where it used to be.

  I think of you at the Scottish dancing. Maybe I could go see you at the big meat but I forgot where it was.

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  I have started to play the bagpipes. First I had to ask Mom if I could go to see Uncle Lorne. Fillus is all right now at night without me so I have to ask. And Mom has a new job at the Kwincy. She is the house manager even though it’s a hotel.

  It means when she gets back to her real house she doesn’t want to do anything. But she wants it to be perfect anyway. So the sheets have to be snapped onto the bed and the room has to smell clean as a new toilet and she doesn’t want anything broken. So Dad finally fixed the banister.

  And because she is a manager now she says No a lot. No it’s not right! No you must do it again!

  No I won’t drive you to Uncle Lorne!

  So then I had to ask Dad. He said why do I want to learn the bagpipes? He said when Lorne was learning them all the cats ran away. He said kids down the street covered their ears and threw rocks at Lorne in the field where he was practicing.

  But he plays fine now — I said.