Dear Sylvia Read online

  Alan Cumyn

  Groundwood Books

  House of Anansi Press

  Copyright © 2008 by Alan Cumyn

  Published in Canada and the USA in 2008 by Groundwood Books

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

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  This edition published in 2013 by

  Groundwood Books / House of Anansi Press Inc.

  110 Spadina Avenue, Suite 801

  Toronto, ON, M5V 2K4

  Tel. 416-363-4343

  Fax 416-363-1017

  or c/o Publishers Group West

  1700 Fourth Street, Berkeley, CA 94710

  www.groundwoodbooks.com

  LIBRARY AND ARCHIVES CANADA CATALOGUING IN PUBLICATION

  Cumyn, Alan

  Dear Sylvia / by Alan Cumyn.

  ISBN-13: 978-0-88899-847-7 (bound).–ISBN 10: 0-88899-847-3 (bound)

  ISBN-13: 978-0-88899-848-4 (pbk.)–ISBN-10: 0-88899-848-1 (pbk.)

  ISBN 978-1-55498-461-9 (ebook)

  I. Title.

  PS8555.U489D42 2008 jC813’.54 C2007-906025-0

  Design by Michael Solomon

  We acknowledge for their financial support of our publishing program the Canada Council for the Arts, the Ontario Arts Council, and the Government of Canada through the Canada Book Fund (CBF).

  For my girls, Gwen and Anna, and for both Suzannes

  Deer Sylvia,

  My brother Leonard got his head stuck in the banastare!

  Cinseeerly,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  Sorry I already sealed the onvlope but I thought of something else. We were going up the stairs to scare my cousins Eleanor and Sadie. But Leonard thought I was the Bog Man! So his head got stuck in the banastare.

  Your frend,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  I’m not going to seal the onvlope any more becuase as soon as I do I think of something else and you only gave me 20 onvlopes yesterday for my birthday and now I just have 18. And we haven’t even got to the hospital yet! Becuase Ant Lorraine had her baby named Fillus. So we’re going to see her this morning at the hospital. Which I can’t write about yet since we haven’t gone.

  Dad had to get the crow bar to break Leonard’s head out of the banastare.

  Yours trooley,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  Well now I am back from the hospital and we all saw Fillus. She looks like a red cabbidge. Once when we were on the highway we rode behind an old car with an old dog leaning out the window yowelling becuase a little girl was pulling its old ears hard as a crossbow. That’s what Fillus sounds like.

  When I picked up Fillus she looked at me like I was ice cream and even started licking her lips.

  I’ll put this in the onvlope now and seal it becuase its getting big!

  Deer Sylvia,

  I didn’t sign my name last time so I hope you knew it was from me! Andy said if I’m going to be writing a girl all the time I have to sign LOVE becuase that’s what girls want. But Leonard said how did he know and Andy said he’s written to lots of girls and Leonard said name 1 and Andy said a gentleman doesn’t name girls but always signs LOVE or else they get mad.

  Girls that is.

  So I hope you aren’t mad. I’ll sign whatever you want.

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  By now I hope you aren’t mad becuase I haven’t sent any letters yet. I’m still thinking about the signing. Andy said its very tricky and a girl could get offally upset if you sign the wrong word. So now I don’t know.

  Fillus came home from the hospital today. Mom made a big party for her and Ant Lorraine and when we were all their she said to me all of a sudden we should have invited Sylvia! But it was too late.

  Sorry.

  Eleanor and Sadie took turns picking up Fillus and carrying her around like 1 of thier dolls. Fillus screamed and screamed until I thought my eardrums were going to ruptewer. Then Ant Lorraine picked her up and Fillus became a hole yowelling nucleer orkestra! Leonard and Andy had to run out of the house!

  So much for the big party.

  I tried to bring in the carrot sticks from the kitchen in case Fillus was hungry but Mom almost hit me over the head with the plate. Well I didn’t know you can’t feed babies carrot sticks.

  Ant Lorraine gave Fillus to Mom and then Mom walked around singing a lullaby right into Fillus’s little red cabbidge ear. And Fillus went WAAAAA-waaaaa like a train that’s not going to make it round a corner on top of a cliff over a waterfall a thousand feet above the ocean right over the Marianas Trench which is the deepest place in the hole Earth.

  Then Leonard ran back in and said — give her to Owen!

  Leonard is the closest thing we have to a baby so maybe he knows how she feels. Anyway Mom gave her to me and it was ice cream licking again. MWIM-MWIM mwim-mwim — Fillus said, right into my shoulder. Loud then softer soft. I giggled her a little and blew on her red cabbidge hair.

  From,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  The reason why Leonard thought I was the Bog Man that other night was becuase I was pretending to be the Bog Man. I had Dad’s big torch flashlight from the kitchen which we are only allowed to use in an emergensy but Andy said it would be OK. Leonard stayed in his sleeping bag and me and Andy went to the kitchen in the dark and found the flashlight in the big drore and Andy switched it on and I held it under my chin like the Mummy. Then I started moaning and straggling like the Bog Man and Leonard forgot it was me. So he screamed and ran up the stairs to warn everybody and somehow his head ended up stuck in the banastare which is hard to do. And his ears were trapped too.

  Dad came running down the stairs like his breaks were cut and nearly tripped over Leonard’s feet. And Eleanor stayed at the top of the stairs like she was Queen of the Ejypshiuns asking why did Leonard have his head stuck in the banastare? I don’t think even then Leonard was yowelling as loud as Fillus.

  Leonard’s head is better now but the banastare is still broken so Mom is mad about that. Andy and I tried to put Leonard’s head back in the banastare just to see but its a mistry how it got stuck in the first place.

  Lots of luck,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  I said Lots of luck because Dad said its OK to end a letter like that. But I’m not sure what it means. I guess if you’re lucky you don’t get a baby cousin who screams like Fillus for everyone but you. Me I mean. Becuase last night I was already in bed and almost asleep and thinking tomorrow I’m going to walk to the mail box and put those letters in. Just open up the shoot. Sometimes I give myself a little speech like that before I go to sleep. Everything looks easy at night before you go to sleep. But in the morning it looks hard again.

  As you know I still haven’t mailed the letters even though the onvlopes are sealed and you put stamps on them for my birthday. I just am worried maybe you’ll laugh where thier aren’t supposed to be jolkes.

  It was Ant Lorraine. She was crying on the phone and wanted Mom to drive me all the way out to there farm house to settle Fillus. Mom said it was too late but Lorraine was crying and crying and then I had to get up and talk to
Fillus on the phone.

  I said — Fillus! Go to sleep! but it didn’t work. So then I had to get on my regular closes and drive to thier house in our car which Mom hates becuase it won’t start for her. She turns the key and it goes yiiii! yiii! like a cat that has been wounded and then Dad has to come out and giggle the lever to make it go.

  Which he did.

  Ant Lorraine was waiting at the door holding Fillus like she might throw her into the ditch if we didn’t get thier soon. Fillus breathed into my shoulder and was asleep so fast I don’t think it was me at all but exhostshun. All I had to do was bring her into the house again and put her in her crib and I was a big hero.

  Eleanor and Sadie cheered so loud I thought they were going to wake up the baby again. And Sadie looked at me all gooey like she used to when she was in love with me instead of Leonard.

  From,

  Owen

  PS Sometimes you can write extra things at the end of a letter and you start by saying PS which is short for PSST! I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY!

  Once I saw a deer in the yard in the morning when there was still snow on the ground and the air was foggy right down to the deer and it was out of my window and through the oak tree and the apple so it was hard to see. But the deer looked up at me and I looked at the deer and I thought she was you. I mean the feeling was the same as when I looked at you across the classroom. When you still lived here before you moved to Elgin.

  Deer Sylvia,

  By now you know I haven’t sent any letters to you yet even though my birthday was last month. So I am having a hard time. The mail box is not that far away and quiet often I sit down and write to you pages and pages and its easy to seal the onvlopes. But then I think what are you going to think about Sadie’s gooey eyes and me and Fillus? And not many boys need to get up almost every night and drive to thier cousins and settle the baby. I tried just leaving my shirt once so Fillus could smell me and settle but she was too smart.

  Also Mom looked at 1 of my letters and said Owen maybe you should use a dikshionarry.

  So now I have another thing to worry about.

  Sorry,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  Now I am using the dicksh dictshiun dictionary. It’s a little slow. I stair and stair at the pages and then turn them and go back again. Then I find the word and write it down. But I can’t reemembber remembber think of what I wanted to say.

  Sincerely,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  Sorry this is my first letter to you even though you gave me 20 onvlopes envelopes for my birthday. And the pen and paper too. I did write lots of letters but then I couldn’t send them. For one thing my spelling was offal. But now I have a dictionary. So I am trying it but its like swimming with just your arms.

  Anyway. We are going on a camping trip with Eleanor and Sadie and Uncle Lorne and Dad and the new baby Fillus who screams a lot. Except when I am thier.

  Can you come?

  Sincerely,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  Now I am at Mud Lake which has eels. Andy went to get one to scare Eleanor and Sadie with and I’m going soon to help but I wanted to tell you.

  There isn’t much mud in the lake at all. Mostly it is water.

  And I’m sorry I couldn’t speak very much when you called. I had a peanut in my mouth which is why I sounded so skweaky and right after you hung up everything was fine again. Sorry you couldn’t come.

  Most of the mud was on the road on the way to Mud Lake. I’m glad I didn’t bring my dictionary because of the mud but it means I might make some mistakes but I am paying attenshun.

  Andy has found a big stick with a V at the end to catch eels. Eleanor just said Andy shouldn’t torture Nature.

  Fillus is crying and crying so I’m going to have to go soon.

  It isn’t raining any more.

  OK now I’m back. Fillus is sitting on my lap helping me with this letter. She says GLUB-glib to you.

  I know you are going to meet Fillus someday but she won’t be the same Fillus as she is now becuase every day she is a different Fillus. Now she can grab at my pencil and so don’t blame me.

  We got stuck 11 times coming in. Leonard counted every 1 and told us as we were getting stuck so we would know. I think it must be a reckord.

  We were so muddy we jumped in the lake with our closes on. So I am sitting now on a rock in the sun with a towel and my toes look a bit wrinkkled.

  We pushed and pushed and mud came flying out the back wheels and Uncle Lorne had to get a big long log to lift us out. Eleanor said if we got a log long enough we could lift the hole planet through lever-age. Andy said what good would it do to lift the hole planet. The car would still be stuck!

  But Uncle Lorne lifted the car anyway and lever-aged it forward and then did it 10 more times but we all had to push except Dad who was yelling at the car and driving.

  Fillus was yelling too.

  From,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  Maybe you are happy now you went to music camp instead of mud camp. Eleanor and Sadie said any place would be better than here watching us hunt sea monsters. Andy got up early this morning and so we all got Dad’s fishing geer and went in the old canoo. The lake was so smooth it looked like you could skate across it but you’d have to be a bug.

  We only had 1 paddle. Andy was monster hunting and Leonard would have dropped the paddle into the water so I had to do it. We were a bit tippy and the canoo was wet from the doo in the morning. Leonard didn’t want to get his bottom wet becuase his first closes were all muddy from yesterday and wet so it was too bad Sylvester came swimming after us looking for his rock.

  We didn’t have it! It was back on the big rocks holding down the muddy closes.

  Leonard was standing in the canoo and Sylvester swam up going YELP and Leonard said Andy don’t catch him! But the line was in the water already and Leonard leaned over to get the dog and that’s when the monster bit and Andy yelled I GOT HIM! and we all fell in the lake.

  Which was very cold in the morning.

  It was hard to drag the canoo back with all that water and Dad’s fishing rod sank and all his geer which was in his metal box that used to belong to our grandfather who was a sailor before he went to the hospital and died.

  So it was a huge disastare!

  But it wasn’t all lost. Dad’s fishing rod is still swimming around the lake. The monster is pulling it still and we’re going after it once the canoo dries out and we eat some breakfast and have closes again.

  From,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  We are home now. Our car made it all the way back to the house even with Uncle Lorne riding on top holding the spair spare gas tank.

  It was becuase because of a valve that cracked. That’s why Uncle Lorne was on the roof blowing into the spare gas tank which was really a water pack. He was on the roof to make it feed the engine by gravatee gravity which pulls gas down by itself.

  Uncle Lorne said olden cars used to run that way. The valve cracked I guess because of the 11 times we got stuck driving in.

  Sylvester was so smelly from the lake and mud that we made him run outside the car most of the way back to the highway.

  We only got stuck 8 times coming back. But Uncle Lorne swallowed some gas and spit it out.

  How was music camp?

  I miss you.

  Owen

  PSST! Uncle Lorne brought in the sea monster finally and he was as long as Leonard and very old and not happy that we’d left him so long to swim around hooked to Dad’s fishing rod. When Lorne was taking out the hook the monster just stayed all still like an old man you have hit by axadint accident with a snowball in the neck. He swam off in the end tired and slow and we all felt offal.

  PSST again! Eleanor said it was
a pike not a monster but Eleanor can’t see anything except what’s offishul official.

  Deer Sylvia,

  How are you? I’m sorry I did not write after the camping trip. I meant to and I tried but I made a lot of mistakes. So now I’m writing you all over again.

  We are all fine here.

  Fondly,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  I have not heard from you yet although I sent my letter yesterday. But I am not going to wait. Too many things are happening! First of all my dad is quieting quitting his job! He has been selling enshurince for ever and now he wants to write books! He has an idea for a great novel which is a story but in a hole book without pictures. If he can just sit down and write it out then it will be a big sukcess success and we can move away from this farm house which is falling down and old and parts of it are coming off even where we haven’t chucked balls against the walls for a long time. Maybe we can get a nice house like yours with white sparkles on the seeling sealing roof and rugs and a swimming pool and everything in a strait line.

  Leonard thinks Dad should write the story he told over the campfire about the enshurince man who becomes invisible at night and solves murders. I think maybe that’s the story he is making into his book. It’s really something to hear him clacking at the typewriter in his little office like a train going over a train bridge with all the wheels clacking and the bell going bing bing!

  Write soon!

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  I rooined ruined the other envelope because I thought of something else to tell you. Sorry. I don’t have very many left and I only sent you 2 letters so far!

  Mom is not happy about Dad’s book. They had a big windstorm about it in the kitchen when we were supposed to be asleep but we weren’t because they kept yelling worse than Fillus who still needs me. By the way Leonard said maybe I should charge money and I’d be rich. Which Mom said I can never do because relatives are always free.

  Mom said — how could you quit your job?

  And Dad said — it was strangling me!

  And Leonard said — they shouldn’t be allowed to do that to enshurince men!